the downtown wilderness

I was on my way to the I-House to meet with my group for my sociology class. I was sorta on a time crunch so I decided to take a shortcut... well not really a shortcut because it was my first time venturing off into the business school area so I probably took more time trying to figure out where I was going.

Then after the meeting, I decided to return to the same path. I wouldn't say I got lost but I wanted to get lost. I was in this makeshift forest in the vicinity of the faculty glade and it just felt so wonderful. Nobody was around and with Sigur Rós playing loudly in my ears, I had this urge to just jump into the stream of water (known to the common Berkeleyan as the Strawberry Creek) backpack full of electronics and all... you know, the stuff that I survive on nowadays.

I walked back home smiling like a fool. I felt like I had just discovered some hidden gem.

go outside

A couple weeks ago around the Japanese earthquake/tsunami event, I went up to the Berkeley hills with some friends to chill out, make some music, and be fearless. I was in the craziest funk during that time. I was sitting on a rock, overlooking the bay, watching time pass right before my eyes. Instead of feeling empowered and alive, I just felt dead and empty. Everything looked so small. Well, we ARE small. We are such minute, delicate, and sometimes even insignificant creatures in comparison to the magnificent ocean crashing against our shores. I just kept asking myself, what am I doing? Why am I here? I could just die right now and it wouldn't make a big difference. I would just become another statistic.

I don't know, I was probably just being dramatic. I think I'm slowly getting out of this funk. I just have to keep telling myself that you're good, you're okay. I just have to keep convincing myself that I'm loving what I'm doing (which is true). I just have to keep deceiving myself into thinking that I am strong and that I have so much potential that I just haven't found/used yet.

I just wonder how far this deception will get me and how long it's going to last.

I can't rely on this.

No, I won't rely on this.