Past in Present

I need to learn how to say no and stop indulging in the present. Because the future is looking rather bleak right now.

It's so easy not to care, but it can hurt so much at the same time.

56 days of summer

I know two years ago, I said I was Summer.

But this time, I am both Tom and Summer. Simultaneously.

and it sucks.

It amazes me how I can do stuff like this and walk out of it feeling almost nothing.

Actually, it's starting to scare me.

Zodiac

I think everyone is skeptical of astrology. But I don't think I've read anything as accurate as this:

"Capricorns have this sense of melancholy and necessity for structure and work because inside they feel they are unworthy and need to continuously prove their worth. Once they realize that all they need is self-love, door will open and they will see the world in a new light, one that allows for pleasure and guilt-free fun. Capricorns most important need is security, financial and material security. This is the driving force behind their ambitious character and all other personality traits of desire to succeed. They are very concerned with their public standing and their prestige. Capricorns are loners but they also need to feel appreciated, but they are excellent at hiding this truth. Capricorns are very self contained and they have many faces they present to the world, they are known as aloof and indifferent but this is them concealing themselves from the world, unfortunately, they may never know who they really are. This causes feelings of insecurity and causes them to question their own self worth. Capricorns make it difficult to get close emotionally because once they let someone in, they do not want to let them go and emotional connection makes them feel vulnerable yet satisfied at he same time. This is an ongoing internal conflict of contradictions inside the Capricorn's mind."

spanish sahara

Before Thursday, I had totally forgotten how exhilarating and mentally & physically stimulating going to a concert was. Especially going to a show of one of your favorite bands that you've been dying for YEARS to see. I was kinda nervous and worried that it was going to suck because I was going alone and was even thinking of just selling the ticket and gypping people's money off of this sold-out show. But I am so glad I didn't. It was such an adventure.I decided to finally take the F bus from Berkeley all the way to the San Francisco Terminal... and now I am such a fan. Crossing the Golden Gate Bridge at 6 pm as the reflection of the sun glistened upon the waters while blasting music through my ears. Oh man, I was in love. At that moment, I didn't even care if I just got lost in San Francisco and didn't make it to the Great American Music Hall - I just wanted to risk and live. And the best part of the whole thing was I wasn't scared. I wasn't scared of being by myself. I wasn't scared of looking like a tourist. I wasn't scared of talking to people. For once, I didn't need to depend on anybody to be happy. I was free.

The concert, well, was fucking amazing in my very biased opinion. The Naked and Famous was good. Freelance Whales was adorable. And Foals just killed it. Yannis was just jumping on everything, climbing up the balconies, throwing random stuff at us, and crowd-surfing whenever he got the chance. The audience was wild; everyone was just dancing and jumping and pushing and shoving each other and no one gave a fuck. It was just you and the music and nothing else. It wasn't just a show, it was a feeling. I'm still reliving every single moment of the show in my head.

The ride back home was great too. Some middle-aged man with a nose and lip piercing on BART started hitting on me. I didn't want to be a presumptuous bitch and ignore him so I had a conversation with him. Honestly if there's one valuable thing I've learned in Berkeley, it's that you should never judge people by their covers. And you know what, he didn't turn out to be so bad. I wasn't attracted to him but there was something about him that just seemed genuine and harmless. He did end up asking for my name and number and though I was rather uncomfortable and gave him false information in return (kinda hypocritical, I know, I do feel bad), I still enjoyed the encounter.

Friday was a hike up to the Big C. Saturday was Cal Day (with The Dodos playing at Memorial Glade) where tabling and flyering was made easy with the flood of incoming freshmen and their families who have not learned how to reject you yet.

Then Sunday was Holi. Holy moly it was SO AWESOME! It was basically a gigantic wet orgy of colors. Everyone was just covered in layers of pinkish-brown gunk and you could barely recognize anybody. But once again, no one gave a fuck and just danced like there's no tomorrow.

Honestly words cannot even capture the euphoria I've been experiencing these past few days. I would never trade anything in for this feeling. I am so happy and fortunate to be able to live this.

mama who bore me

My mom was right all along. I'm just a lazy person.
I can do something if I just set my mind to it. If I really believe in it, I can do it. More importantly, I'm willing to do it. The problem was, I never believed in anything. Not even myself.

I'm slowly figuring what that is for me now. The rewards might not be as tangible but this is the motivation I need to get a kickstart on my life as an independent adult. I have so many plans and visions - I'm really excited.

Mom and Dad would be proud. Maybe Mom more so than Dad.

I really wish I could talk to them right now. But yet again, they are thousands of miles away on an island that I used to call home. I felt bad about the way I said bye to them. I really wish I could be there for my grandfather's service, even though I barely knew him. If I could, I would rewind and go to my uncle's service - that one really hit me. I can never be there when things like this happens because of school, school, school. It's disheartening because they are the only relatives that I consider as family.

contact high

I'm starting to lose it again. Maybe it's because this spring weather is bringing back memories of youthful debauchery last year. Or maybe I'm just getting bored. I just keep feeling like I'm missing this last essential piece to the giant puzzle of life.

I want to feel something. Feel so happy that I feel like my life is a musical. Feel so sad that all I want to do is stay inside my bed with my face against the pillow. Feel so angry that I have the urge to be physically violent. Just feel alive and human. I'm getting tired of this monotony. And just tired in general.