who knows who cares

I'm so angry. Still am. I haven't been able to focus in class all day today because every time I get a chance to wander off with my thoughts, I think about the conversation last night (and everything that has preceded that) and I get upset and start to tear up.

I don't know where things went wrong. I honestly don't even remember how or why I got so angry last night and broke down crying. Because for the past few years, I've tried to stay out of their dialogue and stay ignorant. It has worked for the most part, which is why every time someone asks me what my opinion is, I just simply tell them, "I don't know."

Well I can't do that anymore because it's gotten to the point where I need to get involved. Not by choice. Had to because he valued my opinion and so I gave him my voice. And for the first time, it wasn't the voice he wanted to hear. Sorry brother but I'm a grown up now. 20 years old for that matter. I'm living my own life and I've made up my own mind. I've always lived under your shadow (whether anyone wants to admit it or not) and I tried to emulate you as much as I possibly could. But I FINALLY realized this semester that I was doing it all wrong all along. I wasn't who I wanted to be and have been confined under your pompous and condescending gaze. I know you were disappointed when I told you I wasn't majoring in biology anymore. But you know what, I've NEVER been happier.

I wanted to call you on Friday night. To tell you about how wonderful my life is going. How awesome my classes are. How motivated I am to study and work hard. How many good people I've met in the past few weeks. And just how fucking happy I am lately. But that's all ruined now. Ruined with one phone call. I hate that you did that to me, as selfish as that sounds.

We were both being stubborn during that phone call. What can I say, the Chu's are stubborn people. No one wants to lose and that's why we were fighting. That's why you and dad were fighting. That's why you and mom were fighting. But if you really meant what you said about repairing your relationship with us, wouldn't you step down and stop being so selfish with your decisions and let us have it for once? And can you please start finding yourself? YOURSELF. Because what I see now is a person who just wants to be above average, so above average that he lost sight of who he is. Oh, and stop being such a fucking elitist and "unconventional".

It sucks that it has gotten to this point. But thanks for showing me who I don't want to be.